The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

snoopydarkThis is what happens when I’m too organised. I write up and publish this week’s post and then another one, that I can’t ignore for a week, comes along. This one is great though. We have all written something terrible at some point or other. Well now is the time to distance that horrific metaphor and blow the cob-webs off that tortured simile as the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is calling out for your bad writing.

A whimsical literary competition, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest challenges you to come up with the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. To enter simply write a single sentence that is no longer than 50 to 60 words, is original and unpublished. The sentence can be of any genre however please avoid puns. The prize, as it says on their website is, is a pittance.

You can enter by either email, just pop your sentence(s) into the body of the message, not in an attachment (and it would be really swell if you submitted your entries in Arial 12 font) or by post, by sending index cards with your sentence on one  side and the entrant’s name, address, and phone number on the other. There is no closing date. Check out the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest  website for full details.

If you need are in need of inspiration here is last year’s winner:

“As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.” — Cathy Bryant, Manchester, England

 

52 Tips on How to Write Good

Below is 52 Tips on How to Write Good from Daily Writing Tips. The list is a combination of wit and wisdom of the late New York Times language maven William Safire and advertising executive and copywriter Frank LaPosta Visco. For those who really like the advice, visit the Write Good Shop to purchase clothing, posters, mouse pads and even throw pillows(!):

  1. A writer must not shift your point of view.
  2. Always pick on the correct idiom.
  3. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  4. Always be sure to finish what
  5. Avoid alliteration. Always.
  6. Avoid archaeic spellings.
  7. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
  8. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  9. Be more or less specific.
  10. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
  11. Contractions aren’t necessary.
  12. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
  13. Don’t indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
  14. Don’t never use no double negatives.
  15. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!
  16. Don’t repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
  17. Don’t use commas, that, are not, necessary.
  18. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
  19. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
  20. Employ the vernacular.
  21. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  22. Eschew obfuscation.
  23. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  24. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  25. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  26. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  28. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
  29. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  30. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
  31. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.
  32. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  33. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
  34. No sentence fragments.
  35. One should never generalize.
  36. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  37. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  38. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
  39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
  40. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
  41. Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  42. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  43. Profanity sucks.
  44. Subject and verb always has to agree.
  45. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
  46. The adverb always follows the verb.
  47. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  48. Understatement is always best.
  49. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
  50. Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispeling and to catch typograhpical errers.
  51. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  52. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

Electric Man Screening

Back on the 29th of November one of the writers of Electric man, Scott, came along to the meeting and read some of the script from the film. Well the movie is now being shown at the Bo’ness Hippodrome for a one off screening on Friday the 2nd of March. The film is described as:

An exclusive screening of the new Scottish feature, described by critic Allan Hunter as “‘The ‘Maltese Falcon’ meets ‘The IT Crowd’”. When the ultra rare ‘Electric Man’ Issue 1 turns up in Jazz and Wolfman’s run down comic shop their prayers seem answered. But others want possession of the prized publication… Enter crazed American collector Edison Bolt, psychotic Scotsman Jimmy (Marillion’s Fish) and the mysterious and beautiful Lauren McCall. This BAFTA nominated comedy thriller will be introduced  by director David Barras, joined by members of the cast and crew.

For more information and to see the trailer go the film’s listing on the Bo’ness Hippodrome Website.

Burn’s Ceilidh Party with Quill and Heedrum Hodrum

If you want a second chance to celebrate Burns night (after you have attended Burns Nicht @ Waterstones) then come along to Howden Park Centre’s Burn’s night with Heedrum Hodrum. Their music and dance will take you on a musical journey and is jam packed with foot tapping jigs and reels which is sure to fill the dance floor all night long. Heedrum Hodrum will pipe in the guests from 7pm and address the haggis at 7:30.  Their group will perform a selection of scots tune while guests enjoy their meal.  The meal will be followed by poetry by our local poetry group Quill.  After which the dancing will begin.  An exciting evening, not to be missed, with food, dance, music and poetry.

Ticket includes:  Haggis (meat or veggie), neeps and tatties, and a wee nip to address the haggis.

Saturday 28 January, 7pm to Midnight.  Tickets £25

To book tickets for this evente call the Howden Park Centre on 01506 777666.